Does Mom’s “ Helpful” Advice Hurt More Than Help? Here’s why.
Some mothers criticize their daughters- while passing their criticism off as “helpful advice”. Delivered from mom’s conscious or unconscious, this “helpful advice” can be a cover for something far more destructive. Watch how this happens.
Transcription
Hi, it’s Katherine Fabrizio with help for the good daughter syndrome. In my book Daughters Rising: Rising From The Hidden Messages of Shame, Guilt and Self-Doubt Mothers Pass Down To Daughters, I break down 10 mixed messages mothers give to their daughters. These messages mix caring with covert hostility.
Since the destructive part of the message is often the hidden subtext of a broader meta-message of caring, the hostility affects daughters at the unconscious level.
This makes it harder to detect and call out.
For instance, here is an example of a mixed message a mother gives to her daughter, “I will tell you the truth for your own good.” She often adds,” Nobody but your mother will tell you the truth.”
The overall message indicates that this mother is looking out for her daughter and is the only one who cares enough to be truthful with her. This, however, can be a cover or an excuse for delivering a hurtful message while denying the hurtful intent.
The underlying subtext is this: “As your mother, I have a license to cut you down if you threaten me.”
Many mothers have, on one hand, said, “ I’ll do anything for you.” And then in the same breath say, ”I have a license to tell you the truth- as I see it.”
This is where cruelty and an unnecessary criticism that is leveled at daughters. Everything from the way she looks, her sexuality, to the way she conducts her life. Mom weighs in in a way that is often destructive.
If that daughter somehow threatens her mother- 1) either by fulfilling something that the mother couldn’t fulfill in her own life, or 2)not needing the mother so much anymore- the mother may cut her daughter down to size with a mixed message.
I see in my psychotherapy practice Adult daughters who struggle with their mother’s mixed messages. These messages undermine their daughter’s confidence and self-worth.
Become Aware.
This is how we Rise!
Bio- Katherine Fabrizio, M.A., L.P.C. has treated Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, Trapped in the Role of the “Good Daughter” for over 30 years. Dedicated to empowering these women, she now offers online help for clients and training (CE’s) for therapists at Daughtersrising.info. Her book, Daughters Rising: Rising Above the Shame, Guilt and Self-Doubt Mothers Pass Down to Daughters, is now on Amazon. Katherine lives in Raleigh N.C. where she raised two daughters and still speaks regularly with her mother.
This article was originally published on http://daughtersrising.info/
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